Genetic Predisposition…
I believe that there is a hereditary component to my aberrant behaviour, through my maternal uncle, whom I strongly suspect is a sociopath, and my father, whom I have just come to realize is likely a psychopath. The man spent 7 years in prison for aggravated assault, and the stories I have heard regarding his violent exploits, as recounted by himself and others, are startlingly brutal.
He once ripped a man’s ear off, and another time, he gouged someone’s eye out. I think he may have raped his sister, but I cannot be sure of this, as I have never asked him. Interestingly, there is a family history of mental illness. His sister, who had become a prostitute, committed suicide as a young woman, and his brother is a schizoid with whom he does not have a relationship today.
By the time my father settled down with my mother and conceived me at age 35, his violent tendencies had subsided somewhat, as he never went to prison while I was growing up. He did, however, engage in drug trafficking and was repeatedly unfaithful to my mother, although he was never violent towards her. She simply would not have put up with it, and he knew it. My mom had risen out of poverty to become a highly accomplished professional who earned the bulk of the money in our household.
Though my father “earned his keep” as a blue collar worker (and later, a shit-disturbing union leader) for the city, he didn’t do much of anything around the house, except vent his rage. He was very unpredictable and selfish. My mother and father would fight a lot, and he was always verbally abusive.
Not surprisingly, my dad remained a somewhat violent man. He carried a bat under the driver’s seat of his car that I once saw him rush out and threaten to beat someone with.
Sometimes, he would hit or kick me. He called me plenty of names. I was not a chronically battered kid, but he was not by any means a consistent disciplinarian, nor was he a particularly good role-model. My dad was more like a selfish, bullying, unpredictable teenage brother than a father.
To this day, when my father recounts an act of brutality from his past (and there are a string of them), he does so in a very matter-of-fact way, expressing little or no remorse. In his mind, his actions were “justified”, because he was “defending the weak”. (Bear in mind that he is describing acts of unspeakable violence, and I have never understood how they were in defence of the weak.) I have been feeding my father the nourishing milk of Scripture in small doses that he is able to digest, so the subject of repentance is one I that *must* broach with him, but it is very tricky. He is more liable to lose his patience with me than anyone else. He acknowledges this, and says it is because I am so much like him.
Until fairly recently, I didn’t think I was anything like him at all.
Incidentally, my father wet the bed regularly until late in childhood. (I know this because he mentioned getting beaten for incontinence as a boy.) I suffered from nocturnal incontinence as well, but only sporadically, as I remember it.
My dad has mellowed out considerably in his old age, but in some fundamental respects, he remains exactly the same: emotionally stunted and self-centered, exhibiting poor impulse control and a pronounced lack of patience. Thankfully, his aggressive “spells” are less frequent now, and they are exclusively verbal. He and my mother are back together, and our family is very close. There is no major dysfunction, and that alone I suppose is miraculous, all things considered. This I attribute entirely to God, specifically, to the Spirit’s work in the hearts of my parents. My mom has become a Christian. I am teaching my father slowly, and I think he has accepted the Lord.
God is in the business of healing hearts- even black, scarred ones.
Healing ASPD 